I like dogs. I hate dog owners.

I just stepped in dog crap in front of my own house. I realized that I stepped in dog crap while I was in my car driving down the street. You know, with the heat going full blast. I pulled over as soon as I realized that I had a wad of dog shit stuck to my shoe, and while getting out of my car I accidentally scraped the bottom of my dog-shit-laden shoe on the door opening thus wedging some of the shit underneath the weather stripping. So I just spent about 20 minutes on my hands and knees in 33 degree weather scraping dog shit from under the black rubber weather stripping in my car with Q-tips.

Luckily, no one walked past with a dog while I was out there cleaning the dog poo from my car with Q-tips because I swear to God, I would have beaten the living hell out of anyone walking his or her dog at that moment. I was so livid that I had to clean someone else’s dog’s shit out of my car that had anyone walked by with a dog, I would have grabbed the dog and beaten the owner with his or her own dog.

I’ve since simmered down (slightly) from when I was outside cleaning dog shit out of my car with Q-tips, but after this incident, I now consider dog owners to be in the same annoying, inconsiderate class of idiots as bicyclists. Yeah, I know most dog owners are considerate and responsible, blah, blah, blah. Who cares? You know how all gun owners get blamed whenever some crazy bastard goes on a shooting spree? Or how one bad cop gives police officers all over a bad name? Well, it works the same way with dog owners when one of them doesn't clean up after their dog.

You’re all assholes.

"The Media" Says NHL Winter Classic Was Great - It Wasn't

The NHL Winter Classic was a debacle from start to finish - but somehow all the local media gushed afterwards that it was a success. It's as if the local media was afraid to tell the truth.

The NHL Winter Classic sucked. The weather sucked. The Penguins sucked. NBC's coverage sucked - it was like they had epileptics workin' the cameras - from Mt. Washington !

WPXI putting David Johnson on the "11 on Ice" postgame coverage was quite a treat though - because I love watching people laugh uncomfortably for extended periods of time.

Now look - some of the people I care about most in this world work in the media. I know there's no "media conspiracy" - but it's unbelievable that nobody wanted to tell the truth. IT SUCKED !

Maybe they didn't want to offend Mario - hoping that someday he'll actually grant them an interview. ( Good luck with that !)

Perhaps it was not wanting to start of 2011 with a ANOTHER bummer of a story - like the Pitt football coach quandary. I dunno. It's mind boggling that so many reporters and journalists would not tell the truth - and in that regard - so many of my favorite local media types reminded me of politicians this weekend. They were blowin' smoke up my arse.

Ya know - when the local media is afraid to tell the truth - you get alot more stories about how Pittsburgh is America's Most Liveable city - and not many stories about how Allegheny County has some of the most polluted air in the United States of America.

Look - Pittsburghers are tough - we can handle the truth - we expect the truth. Tell the freakin' story !

Here's a general rule:

If your wife asks you: "Does my ass look fat in these jeans?" - lying is acceptable.

If you're covering news - it's not.

Tad Askew - Time Warped

When Mario Lemieux stepped onto the ice at The CONSOL this afternoon - it was as if for a brief second - I'd been transported back in time.

It was 1984 again - and I was a 16 yr old dude that just got his driver's license. The economy was lookin' up - the Pens drafted Lemieux - and Rick James was still a living superfreak.

The U.S.A. was not at war - Dell has sold it's first computer.

Mayor Luke was acting like a 4 yr old as usual - but in 1984 he actually had an excuse - he was a 4 yr old.

I didn't know what Mommy jeans were - how to properly change a diaper - or that someday almost every dollar I had - and most of my love and attention - would go to two yet to be born smart and kind children.

I hosted keg parties in the woods - smoked out of potatoes - and could have sex in a compact car without throwing out my back. Multiple times - with multiple women - in multiple cars.

Gas was $1.19 a gallon and cigarettes were $1.10 a pack. The 1984 Winter Olympics were held in Sarajevo - where many years later - genocide would replace the Olympic spirit.

Back then if you wanted to play Family Feud you had to go to Hollywood and meet Richard Dawson - now you can play of Facebook.

Oscar Wilde said "No man is rich enough to buy back his past" - now I know what he meant - because kids take up all your damn money. ( However - they are my best and smartest investment. )

So even if 1984 was better in many, MANY ways - and I thank Mario Lemieux for taking me back there - even if just for a second today when he took the ice - I realize yesterday's gone.

I may have less time on Earth remaining than I did in 1984 - less hair - a beer gut -and now I have sex with just one woman - and even though it's multiple times -it's never in a car.

As ridiculous as it might sound based on just the above evidence - I am happier now - My wife and kids might be the death of me ( and they're feverishly working at it ) - but they make me happy.

It's nice to look back - but as I get older - I try to make it more of a "glance" than a "gawk".

"Looking back" is like looking at the ass of the woman in front of you at church:

Keep it brief - Don't get hung up on it - and NEVER let the wife see you smirk when you do it.

Kenney Would

There was more sewer than water coming out of the Pittsburgh Water and Sewer Shithead Authority today.

First, the PWSA’s executive director Michael Kenney resigned today in advance of a report expected to detail his inappropriate personal ties to a vendor providing line insurance to PWSA customers. It seems he used to work with some of the folks who founded the vendor company and he didn’t really tell many people about this little fact when the vendor was being selected. Given the current climate of Pittsburgh politics, I’m sad to say that none of this surprises me. Additionally, just look at the guy—he looks like the warden from The Shawshank Redemption.

The second turd to hit the water of the Pittsburgh toilet bowl was the announcement by the PWSA that they’re going to increase water rates by 7.7 percent. Almost 8 percent! PWSA says, “the increase is needed due to increasing costs of credit, declining usage, increasing operational costs and repairing and replacing aging infrastructure.”

Sounds like a bullshit answer to me. And the worst part about this is that this increase will just slide on by without the slightest opposition from the general public. Now, if Steelers tickets, lottery tickets or the drink tax were increasing by 7.7 percent, there would be people screaming on TV and picketing along Grant Street. But water? Eh, it’s only water.

Listen up, yinzers—this increase supposedly equals about $50 per year for the annual user, but keep letting these inept, slimy, stupid, and corrupt wankers raise your rates 7 percent every year, and pretty soon that $50 will be a whole lot more.

Before you know it, it’ll be cutting into your lottery ticket budget, n’at.

Things You Can Only Say At Thanksgiving

Feel free to add your own - let's create a cornucopia of comedy !

1. Talk about a huge breast.

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's cool whip time.

4. If I don't undo my pants i'll burst.

5. That's one terrific spread.

6. My wife craves a lil dark meat.

7. Wanna see my meat thermometer?

8. It's a lil dry, u still wanna eat it?

9. Just wait ur turn u'll get some.

10. Don't play with ur meat.

11. Just spread ur legs open & stuff it in.

12. Do u think my wife will be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everybody to come at once.

14. You still have a little bit on ur chin.

15. How long will it take once u stick it in?

16. You know it's ready when it pops up.

17. I'd stuff that bird with sausage and nuts.

18. My grandma wants to show you her minced meat pie.

19. Smell my wife's pie.

20. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone !!

Observations from the Crow's Nest

• A North Hills piano teacher has been charged with sexually assaulting two girls during private piano lessons during the past two years. The girls’ parents became suspicious when the girls told them that their teacher could play “Chopsticks” with no hands.

• Today, Steelers coach Mike Tomlin refused to criticize the NFL for not suspending Oakland defensive end Richard Seymour for punching Big Ben in the face this past Sunday. Apparently, Tomlin could not find the appropriate buzzwords or clichés to express his dissatisfaction with the league’s action.

• Funny thing happened this past Saturday. I was channel surfing and started watching Weekend at Bernie’s. Fifteen minutes later, I realized I was actually watching the Penn State game. 

Sex, Lies and Light Up Night

In case you hadn't heard, Light Up Night 2010 was a real riot.

The Pittsburgh Trib reported "Melee Doesn't Dampen Pittsburgh Celebration".

The Post Gazette reported "Random Act: Despite the fracas, a successful Light Up Night".

Mayor Luke and The Pittsburgh Downtown Partnership, sponsors of the event, called the riots and gunfire an "isolated incident".

I bet that's also how Mayor Luke described his alleged extramarital affairs to his ex-wife as she held his newborn son.

Ya know, if this Mayor spent as much time looking out for public safety as he did fundraising and chasing tail, the people of Pittsburgh might have a real reason to feel safe going Downtown.

Sure Mayor Luke felt safe, with his taxpayer provided over sized security entourage, but at 8:20pm when all available city and county police officers were called to the Wood and Liberty area, the rest of the crowd city wide was left without a police presence. That's unacceptable.

Ya know - the truth is like married sex - it ain't always pretty and it ain't always romantic - but it's necessary for any partnership to succeed.

We all know Mayor Luke gave up on married sex - and apparently he's given up on telling the truth as well. But he's a politician. It's not appalling when a politician lies - it's almost expected.

But the newspapers ? Really ? Is it any wonder that newspapers are a dying industry when you read crap like this ?

I have no editors, no advertisers and no political advisors - but I have had lots of married sex.

I hope this blog is like married sex - sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not.

But you'll always take part because you can trust your partner.

Thanks for reading this - partner.