Tad Askew - Time Warped

When Mario Lemieux stepped onto the ice at The CONSOL this afternoon - it was as if for a brief second - I'd been transported back in time.

It was 1984 again - and I was a 16 yr old dude that just got his driver's license. The economy was lookin' up - the Pens drafted Lemieux - and Rick James was still a living superfreak.

The U.S.A. was not at war - Dell has sold it's first computer.

Mayor Luke was acting like a 4 yr old as usual - but in 1984 he actually had an excuse - he was a 4 yr old.

I didn't know what Mommy jeans were - how to properly change a diaper - or that someday almost every dollar I had - and most of my love and attention - would go to two yet to be born smart and kind children.

I hosted keg parties in the woods - smoked out of potatoes - and could have sex in a compact car without throwing out my back. Multiple times - with multiple women - in multiple cars.

Gas was $1.19 a gallon and cigarettes were $1.10 a pack. The 1984 Winter Olympics were held in Sarajevo - where many years later - genocide would replace the Olympic spirit.

Back then if you wanted to play Family Feud you had to go to Hollywood and meet Richard Dawson - now you can play of Facebook.

Oscar Wilde said "No man is rich enough to buy back his past" - now I know what he meant - because kids take up all your damn money. ( However - they are my best and smartest investment. )

So even if 1984 was better in many, MANY ways - and I thank Mario Lemieux for taking me back there - even if just for a second today when he took the ice - I realize yesterday's gone.

I may have less time on Earth remaining than I did in 1984 - less hair - a beer gut -and now I have sex with just one woman - and even though it's multiple times -it's never in a car.

As ridiculous as it might sound based on just the above evidence - I am happier now - My wife and kids might be the death of me ( and they're feverishly working at it ) - but they make me happy.

It's nice to look back - but as I get older - I try to make it more of a "glance" than a "gawk".

"Looking back" is like looking at the ass of the woman in front of you at church:

Keep it brief - Don't get hung up on it - and NEVER let the wife see you smirk when you do it.

Kenney Would

There was more sewer than water coming out of the Pittsburgh Water and Sewer Shithead Authority today.

First, the PWSA’s executive director Michael Kenney resigned today in advance of a report expected to detail his inappropriate personal ties to a vendor providing line insurance to PWSA customers. It seems he used to work with some of the folks who founded the vendor company and he didn’t really tell many people about this little fact when the vendor was being selected. Given the current climate of Pittsburgh politics, I’m sad to say that none of this surprises me. Additionally, just look at the guy—he looks like the warden from The Shawshank Redemption.

The second turd to hit the water of the Pittsburgh toilet bowl was the announcement by the PWSA that they’re going to increase water rates by 7.7 percent. Almost 8 percent! PWSA says, “the increase is needed due to increasing costs of credit, declining usage, increasing operational costs and repairing and replacing aging infrastructure.”

Sounds like a bullshit answer to me. And the worst part about this is that this increase will just slide on by without the slightest opposition from the general public. Now, if Steelers tickets, lottery tickets or the drink tax were increasing by 7.7 percent, there would be people screaming on TV and picketing along Grant Street. But water? Eh, it’s only water.

Listen up, yinzers—this increase supposedly equals about $50 per year for the annual user, but keep letting these inept, slimy, stupid, and corrupt wankers raise your rates 7 percent every year, and pretty soon that $50 will be a whole lot more.

Before you know it, it’ll be cutting into your lottery ticket budget, n’at.

Things You Can Only Say At Thanksgiving

Feel free to add your own - let's create a cornucopia of comedy !

1. Talk about a huge breast.

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's cool whip time.

4. If I don't undo my pants i'll burst.

5. That's one terrific spread.

6. My wife craves a lil dark meat.

7. Wanna see my meat thermometer?

8. It's a lil dry, u still wanna eat it?

9. Just wait ur turn u'll get some.

10. Don't play with ur meat.

11. Just spread ur legs open & stuff it in.

12. Do u think my wife will be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everybody to come at once.

14. You still have a little bit on ur chin.

15. How long will it take once u stick it in?

16. You know it's ready when it pops up.

17. I'd stuff that bird with sausage and nuts.

18. My grandma wants to show you her minced meat pie.

19. Smell my wife's pie.

20. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone !!

Observations from the Crow's Nest

• A North Hills piano teacher has been charged with sexually assaulting two girls during private piano lessons during the past two years. The girls’ parents became suspicious when the girls told them that their teacher could play “Chopsticks” with no hands.

• Today, Steelers coach Mike Tomlin refused to criticize the NFL for not suspending Oakland defensive end Richard Seymour for punching Big Ben in the face this past Sunday. Apparently, Tomlin could not find the appropriate buzzwords or clichés to express his dissatisfaction with the league’s action.

• Funny thing happened this past Saturday. I was channel surfing and started watching Weekend at Bernie’s. Fifteen minutes later, I realized I was actually watching the Penn State game. 

Sex, Lies and Light Up Night

In case you hadn't heard, Light Up Night 2010 was a real riot.

The Pittsburgh Trib reported "Melee Doesn't Dampen Pittsburgh Celebration".

The Post Gazette reported "Random Act: Despite the fracas, a successful Light Up Night".

Mayor Luke and The Pittsburgh Downtown Partnership, sponsors of the event, called the riots and gunfire an "isolated incident".

I bet that's also how Mayor Luke described his alleged extramarital affairs to his ex-wife as she held his newborn son.

Ya know, if this Mayor spent as much time looking out for public safety as he did fundraising and chasing tail, the people of Pittsburgh might have a real reason to feel safe going Downtown.

Sure Mayor Luke felt safe, with his taxpayer provided over sized security entourage, but at 8:20pm when all available city and county police officers were called to the Wood and Liberty area, the rest of the crowd city wide was left without a police presence. That's unacceptable.

Ya know - the truth is like married sex - it ain't always pretty and it ain't always romantic - but it's necessary for any partnership to succeed.

We all know Mayor Luke gave up on married sex - and apparently he's given up on telling the truth as well. But he's a politician. It's not appalling when a politician lies - it's almost expected.

But the newspapers ? Really ? Is it any wonder that newspapers are a dying industry when you read crap like this ?

I have no editors, no advertisers and no political advisors - but I have had lots of married sex.

I hope this blog is like married sex - sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not.

But you'll always take part because you can trust your partner.

Thanks for reading this - partner.

Introducing Pittsburgh's Newest Blog

Pittsburgh's vlogging sensation Cap'n Morley of The Cap'n Morley Show has joined forces with Tad Askew to form Pittsburgh's next great blog, Burghology.  

Burghology will be just as the name suggests, a study of all things Pittsburgh, from politics to sports to any given news anchor's wacky on-air antics. So pour yourself a bourbon on the rocks, sit back and enjoy.

More to come...