Tad Askew - Time Warped

When Mario Lemieux stepped onto the ice at The CONSOL this afternoon - it was as if for a brief second - I'd been transported back in time.

It was 1984 again - and I was a 16 yr old dude that just got his driver's license. The economy was lookin' up - the Pens drafted Lemieux - and Rick James was still a living superfreak.

The U.S.A. was not at war - Dell has sold it's first computer.

Mayor Luke was acting like a 4 yr old as usual - but in 1984 he actually had an excuse - he was a 4 yr old.

I didn't know what Mommy jeans were - how to properly change a diaper - or that someday almost every dollar I had - and most of my love and attention - would go to two yet to be born smart and kind children.

I hosted keg parties in the woods - smoked out of potatoes - and could have sex in a compact car without throwing out my back. Multiple times - with multiple women - in multiple cars.

Gas was $1.19 a gallon and cigarettes were $1.10 a pack. The 1984 Winter Olympics were held in Sarajevo - where many years later - genocide would replace the Olympic spirit.

Back then if you wanted to play Family Feud you had to go to Hollywood and meet Richard Dawson - now you can play of Facebook.

Oscar Wilde said "No man is rich enough to buy back his past" - now I know what he meant - because kids take up all your damn money. ( However - they are my best and smartest investment. )

So even if 1984 was better in many, MANY ways - and I thank Mario Lemieux for taking me back there - even if just for a second today when he took the ice - I realize yesterday's gone.

I may have less time on Earth remaining than I did in 1984 - less hair - a beer gut -and now I have sex with just one woman - and even though it's multiple times -it's never in a car.

As ridiculous as it might sound based on just the above evidence - I am happier now - My wife and kids might be the death of me ( and they're feverishly working at it ) - but they make me happy.

It's nice to look back - but as I get older - I try to make it more of a "glance" than a "gawk".

"Looking back" is like looking at the ass of the woman in front of you at church:

Keep it brief - Don't get hung up on it - and NEVER let the wife see you smirk when you do it.

Kenney Would

There was more sewer than water coming out of the Pittsburgh Water and Sewer Shithead Authority today.

First, the PWSA’s executive director Michael Kenney resigned today in advance of a report expected to detail his inappropriate personal ties to a vendor providing line insurance to PWSA customers. It seems he used to work with some of the folks who founded the vendor company and he didn’t really tell many people about this little fact when the vendor was being selected. Given the current climate of Pittsburgh politics, I’m sad to say that none of this surprises me. Additionally, just look at the guy—he looks like the warden from The Shawshank Redemption.

The second turd to hit the water of the Pittsburgh toilet bowl was the announcement by the PWSA that they’re going to increase water rates by 7.7 percent. Almost 8 percent! PWSA says, “the increase is needed due to increasing costs of credit, declining usage, increasing operational costs and repairing and replacing aging infrastructure.”

Sounds like a bullshit answer to me. And the worst part about this is that this increase will just slide on by without the slightest opposition from the general public. Now, if Steelers tickets, lottery tickets or the drink tax were increasing by 7.7 percent, there would be people screaming on TV and picketing along Grant Street. But water? Eh, it’s only water.

Listen up, yinzers—this increase supposedly equals about $50 per year for the annual user, but keep letting these inept, slimy, stupid, and corrupt wankers raise your rates 7 percent every year, and pretty soon that $50 will be a whole lot more.

Before you know it, it’ll be cutting into your lottery ticket budget, n’at.